Do you live deliberately, or reactively? 

Whenever I’m talking with someone, I’m always interested in knowing how much of their day to day life seems to be “deliberate” versus being dictated by various, "on the fly" emotional reactions; the latter being a style of living which we might term "reactive." 

For example, let’s say a man is feeling disconnected from his spouse or significant other; that they are more like roommates than anything else. Let’s also say that he’s feeling lots of stress at work or in other areas of his life. He’s also got various pressures and responsibilities, all of which feel overwhelming to him much of the time.  

Well, in my experience with people, this man has the risk factors required for some form of “non-deliberate”, or what we might call "reactive", life choices. He may, for example, “decide” to have an affair, or to use drugs or alcohol to momentarily escape the pressure and disconnect he feels. Or perhaps he may begin to show up late to work or to procrastinate.

His boundaries with others may slowly loosen up in various destructive or self-sabotaging ways, or he may make one or more purchases to temporarily make himself feel better. In other words, he is at risk for what some call “acting out behaviors”. 

The point here is that these “choices” are often more accurately described as reactions to internal or external pressures than they are well thought-out, deliberate choices or adult decisions. We know this because these are the very choices which most of the time prove to be damaging to the person’s life, whether to their relationships, their finances, their physical or emotional health, etc.   

Ultimately, it is NOT what the person really wants. 

So why do we humans do this? 

We live reactively because we are feeling disconnected, afraid, anxious, angry, lost, empty, bored, etc., you name it. 

So what should we be doing about it? 

We need to get back to deliberate living. 

In other words, we need to get back into our real lives, with our real emotions, and our real relationships. 

How? 

To start with, you are better off taking a walk or throwing yourself into serving your children or other dependents, or perhaps doing something healthy for yourself such as preparing a healthy meal or tackling a task you’ve been putting off, than you are taking the “reactive” options listed above.

If you’re feeling out of sorts, or have free floating anxiety, why not sit down with a pen and paper and list the things that are bothering you or worrying you? 

Maybe you’ve been procrastinating something important (or lots of things), or maybe you’re worried about your physical health and have not followed through with seeing your doctor about it. 

Whatever it is, you’re better off listing it out or discussing it with someone than ignoring it completely.   Whenever we put something off for a long time it takes on a power and an insurmountability far beyond  the actual issue at hand. 

This is not healthy; not emotionally, and not physically. You might be surprised how freeing it is, and how healing, to begin to make your decisions in your day to day life deliberately, and not reactively based on your fears, worries, or conflicts. 

Some other examples of deliberate living to take with you: 
1)  if you’ve decided to get up earlier to spend time with family before work or to eat healthier or get to work earlier, then make it of utmost importance and priority to do so

2)  if you’ve decided to do the above, then you will likely need to go to bed earlier; decide what time to go to bed and follow through, not giving in to more reading, television, work, or computer time (stop reading this and get to bed!)

3)  if you’ve decided it would be good for you to make some dietary and exercise changes, then deliberately and slowly make those changes for yourself and your health

4)  if you’ve decided to spend more “quality time” with your spouse or significant other, then arrange to do so rather than continuing the cycle of “hello/goodbye” living with them each day- practice LVAC with them

5)  if you’ve decided to tackle a project at home or for your health, then list out the steps you’ll need to follow to accomplish these things; make that appointment with your doctor, or visit the home improvement store, or clear off your desk or kitchen table to get started paying those bills or doing the taxes 

Again, deliberate living is very different from living reactively. 

You’ll experience more energy and greater self-esteem, you’ll be more in line with who you really are and what you really want, and you’ll free yourself from many of the internal and external struggles which bind you and cause you to need to escape from your life. 

Now go and live deliberately!

All My Best, 

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.  

www.LVACNation.com
www.DrFerraioli.com

(Next time I'll tell you how to "Reverse Time".)

Are you truly engaged in your life? When I say "engaged" I'm talking about feeling a degree of fulfillment and feeling "in synch" with yourself, your interests, and what you value. I'm talking about the lack of feelings of emptiness, chronic uncertainty or confusion, tension, anxiety, or distraction.

In my practice I often talk about "The Bicycle of Life", in which there is a "Work Wheel" and a "Love Wheel".

Roughly speaking, the theory goes like this: to live a truly fulfilling life, you must have some sense of four very basic fundamentals which are as follows

 1) what you like

 2) what you don't like

3) what you want

4) what you don't want

I call the sum of these four things your "True Self".

If your life reflects these four things, then you are living a life that is in line with your True Self and you will have more joy, more energy, less depression and anxiety, more creativity, and more emotional generosity with others (including your family.) You will be truly engaged with your life.

If your life does NOT reflect the four components of the True Self, then you are "out of synch" with yourself, which leads to more conflict (both inter- and intrapersonal), more anxiety and depression, less energy, and less of the real YOU available to the world. It can also lead to acting out behaviors such as infidelity, inappropriate spending, drinking and drugging, excessive gambling or other risky behaviors, etc., all in an attempt to fill the emptiness and disconnect within yourself.

"So", you ask, "where does The Bicycle of Life idea come into play?"

Glad you asked.

The concept of The Bicycle of Life, complete with its Work Wheel and Love Wheel helps us to conceptualize our lives in terms of how in line we are with our True Selves (i.e. what we want, what we don't want, what we like, and what we don't like.)

The Work Wheel includes all of your efforts in the "work" realm. These include any vocation, avocation, hobbies, chores, etc.

The Love Wheel includes all of your relationships, including with your children if you have them, your spouse, friends, neighbors, coworkers, family of origin, etc.

Now, here comes the leap. Are you ready?

Through the Work Wheel and the Love Wheel of The Bicycle of Life, we have an opportunity to find out who we really are; in other words our True Selves.

Most of us lose touch with their True Selves somewhere in childhood, when our primary caregivers, try as they might, failed to use an LVAC-type approach in raising us (LVAC= Listen, Validate, Ask, Commentà see previous posts or visit www.LVACNation.com for more on LVAC), thus helping us disconnect not only from them, but also from our True Selves.

(Ever notice how sublime and self-assured children are up to a certain age? They have no shame, excessive guilt, overwhelming fear, hesitation, self-censuring, or self-loathing-- until we teach them all those things with our anxiety or anger-driven Comments and lack of restraint. They are simply in line with their True Selves, until we inadvertently help mess that up for them, God bless us all!)

But thankfully, for both ourselves and our children, we have, as adults, these two tremendous opportunities (i.e. the Work Wheel and Love Wheel), to find, or re-find our True Selves in order to live lives of full engagement despite our early childhood experiences with our primary caregivers.

So, remember, every experience you are negotiating in your "work" or "relationships" today is really all about YOU. You will come up against YOURSELF first in all of these things:

Trouble with your boss? Learn about what he/she is triggering in YOU and where it comes from.

Afraid of taking a chance on  a project? Find out more about your fears and what they are really about.

Feeling a disconnect between yourself and your spouse? Schedule 15-20 minutes each evening just to talk with each other once the chaos of the day finally abates.

Chronically overwhelmed or angry with your kids? Chances are that these sticky points or "buttons" are the same ones your parents had with you, so you never learned how they were supposed to be negotiated appropriately. Try doing the opposite of what you normally would do; or watch how your spouse handles these situations after you share with them what's being triggered for you (it's fairly uncommon that both spouses will have the exact same triggers with the kids, which means that while you may be vulnerable to acting inappropriately in a given circumstance, your spouse may not be.)

Starting to date (online dating, offline dating, blind dating, etc.)? Remember that everything you are experiencing with your dates is really about YOU. Instead of trying to second guess the other person and give them what you think they want by behaving or looking a certain way, focus on being honest with yourself and with them, and let the rest be up to your True Selves. It will either work out, or not.

On this last note, you might imagine that many people come to me either in the midst of relationship problems, or while involved with the dating scene. And you'd be right.

It never ceases to amaze me how badly these good people want to appear to be a certain way in order to "succeed" on the date or to "not get rejected".

And with the advent of online dating this phenomenon has become even more patently observable. People will literally ask me how they should respond to emails and other materials in order to move forward on to the next step in the dating process as if it were a series of exams meant to prove some sort of minimum competency or certification.

I have to remind them that how they handle the questions and other interactions with a potential mate, and, in fact, how they feel about the questions themselves is what's most important. It's the process itself which brings us back to the True Self, not the result.

We are supposed to, in a sense, use these experiences to learn about ourselves more than we should be worried about whether or not any particular person will want us.

Stay true to yourself, and use your experiences in the Work Wheel and Love Wheel of The Bicycle of Life to help you reconnect with your True Self. That's the goal of a live well lived, and it will affect both you and those around you in profound ways as you experience and share who you are really meant to be.

Unlock the power of engagement with your life and feel the surge of energy, creativity, tranquility, and assuredness that comes with it!

All The Best,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

www.LVACNation.com
www.DrFerraioli.com

(Next time I'll tell you about the concept of Living Deliberately. Both that and today's The Bicycle of Life idea are in my book Cobwebs And Ugly Wallpaper, available on amazon.com or through www.LVACNation.com.)

  

One of the most common mistakes in a marriage is to view each other as what I call "reference points for perfect mental health."

Brothers and sisters, you can fuggedaboutit!!!!

Your spouse is NOT a reference point for perfect mental health and neither are you (or I for that matter.)

We're all just somebody else's messed up kids, and we need to not forget that when dealing with and reacting to one another.

When we first meet our spouse, we do what's called "idealization".

In other words, we have a fantasy about who they are and what they're like and it's usually not all that accurate in real life.

This fantasy, of course, comes tumbling down eventually, and we're left with a whole lot of disappointment and resentment (and I've even heard "repulsion" and "disgust".)

So, in summary: at first our spouses are superstars who can do no wrong; then, eventually, they are giant disappointments who can do very little right.

This eventual state of the relationship is what I call the "devalue phase".

The sad fact is that many marriages really never progress much further than these first two steps: idealize, then devalue. There's the initial idealization or "ga ga" phase, then, eventually, there are all the disappointments and resentments and maybe even some contempt thrown in for good measure.

In fact, in many marriages, the spouses never actually get to know each other for real. Not idealization, not the devalue phase, but reality. Doesn't happen.

It's not all that uncommon for a couple who sees me to have been married for twenty or more years and to admit that they really feel like they are strangers to one another.

Now back to that idea of not being reference points for perfect mental health.

We need to stop seeing our spouses as substitutes for the perfect, all giving, all caring parents we never had.

We must realize that our spouses are our peers, not our parents. We are supposed to give and take in a marriage, and we're supposed to work together and communicate through our problems. We are each just somebody else's messed up kid after all.

So the next time your spouse doesn't do the right thing by you, tell them what you want in a respectful, compassionate, but non-apologetic way. Don't hold in your true feelings and build resentment towards them. And don't immediately act out with sarcasm or with belittling, shaming, or blaming tones.

And don't assume that you really know each other or what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, be prepared to get to know each other through a steady diet of Listening, Validating, Asking open ended questions, and, if necessary, Commenting. (i.e. LVAC Technique-> www.LVACNation.com )

Each person goes into their marriage as "just somebody else's messed up kid", and they're going to need to use the marriage to heal and to grow as individuals.

Try to act the opposite of the way you normally would react with your spouse:

If your tendency is to hold it all in, start to trust more and share with them, even if you're angry or disappointed with them.

If your tendency is to let it all come out and to hold nothing back, start to learn to restrain a little since you might be overwhelming them like their caregivers did when they were children.

If you tend to get angry and snap back right away, practice restraint and let the strong anger pass before you speak.

If you tend to need to fix everything, step back a little and Listen more without trying to fix.

If you tend to be anxious and always in a rush, try to take it down a notch or two and give the people around you (and yourself!) a chance to find some tranquility for a few moments.

If you need to keep busy all the time, learn to Stop.

If you never say "I'm sorry" or "Thank you", start practicing saying these things.

If you need your spouse to quickly answer your questions or somehow make you feel better right away or fix the situation, try to back off a little bit and deal with your anxiety.

If you need to be in control of things all the time, ease up on that a little.

And, perhaps above all, deliberately invite your spouse to give you feedback about your behavior, even if it's not exactly going to be pleasant. You need to be able to trust each other with your observations of one another, as well as of your lives together.

Again, remember: neither you, nor your spouse are reference points for perfect mental health; you are each simply somebody else's messed up kid. So try to treat each other with more consideration, more compassion, and more gentleness.  If you are having particular trouble with anger, anxiety, or anything else that makes it hard for you to reasonably control yourself with your spouse, get some professional individual counseling for it.

Best of luck to both of you!

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

www.LVACNation.com
www.DrFerraioli.com

(Next time I'll talk about Engagement in your life!)

Parents often tell me that their teens are driving them crazy.

A common theme is that the teen thinks that the parent is stupid and that they don't (ever) know what they are talking about.

Needless to say, another commonality is that the teen "just doesn't listen to me."

Well, if you've read some of my posts already, you're familiar with the term Emotional Credibility.

Emotional Credibility consists of two simple things: trust and likability. When we can trust somebody enough to talk to them about difficult things, we naturally begin to like having them around more.

The problem is that many if not most parents have long ago lost Emotional Credibility (E.C. for short) with their children, who then eventually became those seemingly monstrous teens and 'tweens.

And by the time this happens, the kid is now older (and in some cases, quite a bit larger), and can now do more damage to themselves and others, as well as to cars, the house, etc.

When and how did the E.C. get lost?

To answer this, we must first take a brief trip back to when the child was really little.

Remember the terrible twos?

Well, you might as well think of them as a preview of the pre-teen and teen years, only the child is smaller and less harmful.

The basic underlying principle is the same for both the toddler and the 'tween/teen: the child is testing limits and trying to get to know themselves and their surroundings better. Which is messy.

Now we must know that the way you reacted (or overreacted) to that little child when they tried to test these limits by doing crazy things (like putting oatmeal in the VCR-- wait, there are no VCRs anymore; I'm getting old!), determines their future image of you and how you handle yourself and your life.

So, if little Billy tried to feed himself but made a big mess and you flipped out or tried to prevent him from feeding himself entirely to prevent the mess, then little Billy's trust in you took a hit. And so did your general likability in his eyes.

You see, little ones don't have work or finances to focus on; they don't have kids of their own (usually) or houses or cars, etc. So they focus on YOU.

They watch you and observe your behavior. In fact, they're pretty obsessed with observing you and learning what you can and can't handle (translation: what they can and can't do or say around you.)

They learn what kind of person you are.

Are you reasonably even-tempered, considerate, slow to reject, punish, shame, or withdraw your love?

Do you Listen, Validate, Ask (open ended) questions, then Comment last (i.e. LVAC Technique)?

Or do you do the opposite? Comment first with some sort of judgment, immediate opinion, declaration, warning, or other some such projection of your anxiety agendas onto the child?

Well, my friends, if I didn't do these things myself as a parent (you'd think I'd know better given the work I do!), I wouldn't know so well how to describe them to you.

The Emotional Credibility they feel for you in the earlier years WILL influence how rough their 'tween and teen years are on you.

Now here's the good news.

Even if you, like me, had your challenges trying to keep your calm and restraining yourself and using the LVAC Technique when they were younger, now's your chance to start building up those E.C. points!

Do this: when your 'tween/teen criticizes you, try to not get defensive right away or feel immediately threatened somehow. Remember, you are (and always will be) their parent and they need you.

Instead, picture yourself as a mountain and them as a smaller mountain that's trying to grow.

They can't actually move you or displace you.

Use my LVAC Technique (Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment) to built E.C. and to become a key person in their lives; someone they can come to and talk about anything with without immediate comments, comparisons with yourself or others, judgments, quick "solutions" that you think solve the problem you think you understand, etc.

Try to remember that, more often than not, what they need from you is a stable, steady mountain that Listens to them, that Validates their feelings, and that perhaps Asks them some open ended questions about what they are feeling or trying to say. Save the Comments for last for they represent your reactions and anxieties and they make the conversation about you instead of your child.

Don't make it about you. Let the child feel  whatever they are feeling and let it be between them and the larger world around them that they are trying to explore. Help them and guide them through the storm, don't turn it around and make it about you by throwing yourself right in the middle of the chaos and fighting with them.

So if you want to rebuild and repair your Emotional Credibility with your 'tween or teen, you must: 1) realize when and how it was lost, and 2) use LVAC and your power of restraint to build it back up.

Good luck and all the best!

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

www.LVACNation.com
www.DrFerraioli.com

(Next time I'll tell you about Marital Expectations.)

I want to skip to a very popular topic both in my practice as well as more broadly, namely, Sex and Marriage, which is also the name of one of the chapters in my soon-to-be-released new book, "Don't Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First)".

(I promise to cover building Emotional Credibility with your teens next time.)

Typical scenario: a couple meets, "falls in love", has wonderful physical intimacy, and thinks they are in heaven and that they have found their "soulmate".

Then it happens. Eventually, as the relationship continues, the sex decreases in frequency or stops entirely. Maybe it takes years, maybe months,  but it does happen.

Why?

Well, other than the fact that it's pretty normal for the frequency to decrease from the "good 'ole days" of the early relationship, there is something else at play for many couples as well.

That is, they've lost the emotional connection.

Yes gentlemen, women tend to want to have physical intimacy (i.e. sex) when they are feeling emotionally intimate and connected first. This is quite the contrary to most of us men who instead tend to feel the opposite way; that is, we feel emotionally closest when we've had sex. It's really just a difference in hardwiring. It's nothing personal, just God or evolution, whichever you prefer.

But the problem with many couple's sex lives has almost nothing to do with the hardwiring difference and it has almost everything to do with the state of their emotional relationship.

Remember from my earlier post the definition of Emotional Credibility? (E.C. = trust + actually liking the other person and enjoying their company.)

Well, by the time a couple comes to me about a problem with their sex lives, they've actually had a problem with Emotional Credibility for quite some time already. What this means is that they've lost the trust, and they really don't enjoy each other's company so much anymore.

And no, I'm not talking about the elusive "falling out of love", or, "we love each other but are just not in love anymore." No, the concept of Emotional Credibility is a much more real, much more measurable concept than all that.

And for the trust component of Emotional Credibility I'm not necessarily talking about the "big trusts" like fidelity, spending issues, substance abuse, lying, etc., although these are obviously very important issues and are central in some marriages.

No, for most of us, we must think "micro-trust"; i.e. will my spouse actually listen to what I'm saying without interrupting or trying to "fix" the situation. Will they become angry, dismissive, silly, shaming, blaming, or rejecting when I tell them something that's hard for me to talk about?

The fact is that, once the couple stops listening to each other, validating each other's feelings and experiences (regardless if they're "right" or "wrong"), and showing a real interest in each other, they've ceased to have any real trust in each other and they've also ceased to truly enjoy each other's company. Their sex lives will almost always suffer soon thereafter. It's just the way it works: loss of E.C. leads to loss of intimacy, both emotional and physical.

So, if you want to improve your marital sex life, don't start in the bedroom (well, you could start there, but that's for another type of post entirely.)

Instead, start by connecting with each other. Be a little bit "formal" with each other and behave yourselves like you did in the beginning of your relationship. Don't take each other for granted, or assume you really know each other. Get to know each other. Listen, Validate, Ask questions, and Comment last (see my "LVAC Nation!" book where LVAC=Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment.)

I'll often tell my patients that marital sex happens when we're not really paying attention.

If your spouse is chopping celery, ask if you can slice the tomatoes- that's sex.

If your spouse is angry, listen, don't defend yourself or get angry or leave- that's sex.

If your spouse is in some kind of trouble, support them as you learn about what's going on, don't punish or blame them- that's sex.

If your spouse needs you to think about them instead of yourself for right now- that's sex.

If you know something your spouse needs or likes and you do it without waiting for them to ask and without getting angry if they don't immediately thank you- that's sex.

If you normally would never tell your spouse something but you take a risk and tell them anyway- that's sex. (And if you're the spouse hearing it and you don't immediately judge, dismiss, get angry, shame, blame, etc., that's sex!)

I think you get the picture.

Sex is for true, emotionally competent adults, so follow these guidelines and put the sex back into your marriage!

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

www.LVACNation.com
www.DrFerraioli.com

(Next time I'll tell you about building up Emotional Credibility with your teens and 'tweens.)

 

In my last post I promised I would teach you a trick to help you master the REALADULTS skill of Stopping. (Remember that REALADULTS is my mnemonic that contains all ten essential adult skills making for a truly emotionally competent individual: R=restraint, E=engagement, A=anxiety modulation, L=LVAC, A=anger modulation, D=deliberate living, U=unconditional positive regard, L=living with pain and failure, T=thank you/I'm sorry, S=stopping.)

In order to truly excel in life and to fly as high as our potential will take us, we must first learn how to STOP.

You know what I mean by stopping: not stopping while glancing at the paper or the T.V. I also don't mean stopping while working on the computer or what have you. And I don't mean stopping while worrying, planning, counting, mulling over, etc. But most of all, I definitely don't mean stopping when you are really just simply waiting to get moving again.

No, what I am going to teach you is how to really, truly, and utterly STOP. You will learn to pause your life for a moment. And it will be a struggle at first. In fact, the mere fact of this struggle indicates just how thoroughly we've been trained to just keep on chugging along in life without ever learning to truly be still. We have been trained to live a reactive life, not a deliberate one.

 Ok, ready for the trick?

Take a watch or clock that has a seconds hand (yes, you can use a digital timer), and simply watch that seconds hand tick around for one full rotation.

Sounds simple right?

Well, try it.

Not so simple is it. In fact, that minute probably felt like an eternity to you! I've had people come up with some pretty ingenious ideas on how to cheat this technique.

So no, you can't watch T.V. or listen to music while doing it. You can't pop popcorn or watch water boil either.

The key to this trick is to learn to be still and to learn what your body does while it's trying to be still. In other words, expect your body to rebel; to try to get up and go. But don't you let it! Feel the anxiety and strife,…and then let it pass.

"And", you ask, "just what do I do if I've mastered the one minute trick?"

Well, that's easy.

Repeat it.

When you'd just as soon do another minute as you would move on with your day, THEN you're ready to quit. You've truly stopped. Congratulations.

For today.

(Next time I'll talk about how to build up your Emotional Credibility with your teen.)

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

www.LVACNation.com

I came up with the mnemonic "REALADULTS" as a way to give people the ten major adult skills we need in order to become emotionally competent, mature adults. My thought was that, once memorized, people could take the REALADULTS mnemonic with them wherever they went, referring to it often, in any situation they'd come across in their lives.

REALADULTS stands for:
R=restraint
E=engagement
A=anxiety modulation
L=LVAC (see my previous 2 posts for the meaning of the adult skill LVAC)
A=anger modulation
D=deliberate living
U=unconditional positive regard
L=living with pain and failure
T=saying Thank you and I'm sorry
S=stopping

Now let's briefly describe each of these.
R=restraint.
This is a major adult skill, which is why I placed it in the first position of the mnemonic. Think of some of the people you know. Now think about how many of them show restraint in their lives. How about yourself? Do you quickly react or respond or are you quick to judge or try to fix or somehow make a comment? Or do you try to restrain your first impulse and see what happens when you hold back a moment and let things unfold a bit? This is especially important when interacting with your children or spouse, when sometimes all that's needed is a little restraint before you unload on them or project shame or blame onto them that can affect their lives for a very long time. In the case of a spouse, it could severely limit your Emotional Credibility with them (see previous post for meaning of E.C.)

E=engagement.
By this I mean engagement in your life. How much mastery do you have over your life? Do you like your life? Or are you generally a person who feels overwhelmed or miserable a lot of the time? Engagement is when we are REALLY plugged into our lives: the people in it as well as the activities we're involved in. It's the unleashing of our truest selves upon our lives, complete with joy, creativity, energy, committment, and connectivity, among other things. If you spend a lot of your time feeling empty, bored, or disengaged, it's time to explore ways to get engaged with your life!

A=anxiety modulation.
I use this to mean the ability to deal with our anxiety. In order to practice the adult skill of Restraint (above), we must also work on our ability to manage our anxiety while we are restraining ourselves. When people have minimal skill in modulating their anxiety, you can see it in the way they need to react "right away" or have to have "an immediate solution" or "talk to someone right away" about a problem. In other words, they are VERY uncomfortable with uncertainty, fear, lack of control, loose ends, etc. Not practicing the adult skill of anxiety modulation can lead to trouble in our relationships as well as in other parts of our lives.

L=LVAC.
From prior posts (and my book LVAC Nation!) we know that LVAC itself is a mnemonic I made up (because I LOVE mnemonics and analogies!) which stands for Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment. It is actually a trademarked technique I invented to remind us to Listen first, then Validate the person who is talking to us. Then, as appropriate, we should Ask them open-ended questions about what they are saying or feeling before we, at last, Comment. The problem is that we tend to Comment FIRST because of our lack of anxiety modulation skills and our need to judge, fix, or otherwise communicate our agenda to the other person instead of putting ourselves in a position of Listening first and seeking to truly learn about the other person is trying to say (see the "LVAC Stance" post.) When we fail to do LVAC regularly with children, for examle, we slowly, over time, replace their budding inner agendas with our own anxiety ridden ones. They eventually lose touch with themselves and, instead, identify with OUR inner conflicts, anxieties, and limitations. We essentially hamstring their development with our Comments and they turn out feeling empty, lonely, and disconnected which is a recipe for disaster and acting out behaviors in adulthood, whether large and obvious or small and subtle.

A=anger modulation.
Same idea as the anxiety modulation skill, only this one involves anger. We often don't know how to handle the anger emotion. We either try to suppress it, repress it automatically, or perhaps overreact and blow up. We need to learn more about how to express our anger simply and without fear or shame. We are often afraid to show our anger because we're already in a mode of constantly trying to take care of other people's feelings and reactions. This only makes matters worse and helps turn "innocent" anger into rage (anger + fear), or depression (anger turned towards the self.)

D=deliberate living.
Simply put, living deliberately is the opposite of living reactively. You can therefore see how living deliberately involves other adult skills we've talked about so far, including Anxiety modulation and Restraint. Living Deliberately, in a nutshell, means putting things into our lives that we want there and NOT putting things into our lives that, in our truest selves, we DO NOT want there. So, if we are acting out by drinking, having affairs, or going on buying sprees, we will deal with results and consequences of those behaviors which we DO NOT want in our lives. It's time to start living deliberately; choosing purposely and purposefully how we want to behave, what activities we want to pursue, and what relationships we want to have.

U=unconditional positive regard.
This is very different from unconditional love, which we can really only ever get from our parents or caregivers from childhood. The problem is that many of us did not get unconditional love in childhood, but instead, conditional love. We then seek unconditional love for the rest of our lives, including from our spouses, leading to chronic disappointment and chronic anger. What were the conditions of love from our childhoods? Well, whatever was contained in our parents' and other caregivers' Comments (see LVAC above.) Children learn and observe the adults around them VERY carefully and thoroughly. They quickly learn what they are allowed or not allowed to say, do, think, and feel, based on our Comments which can either be words OR behaviors. These Comments are the conditions of their love for us. Unconditional positive regard simply means "benefit of the doubt". While we can no longer get unconditional love, we should be shooting for unconditional positive regard from the people around us, especially our spouses and other peers. Save the unconditional love for your children, if you have them. They need it and should get it!

L=living with pain and failure.
The second "L" in the REALADULTS mnemonic stands for the adult skill of living with pain and failure. You might be asking, "What else are we supposed to do with pain and failure if not live with it?" The answer is that rather than living WITH it, we can also choose to LIVE it. Simply put, when we act out our pain and failure to the point where it BECOMES our lives we are LIVING it; not good. There is a fundamental choice we have here: either learn to live WITH our pain and failure or continue to act it out (i.e. LIVE IT.) Example: having an affair=LIVING your pain; talking about wanting to have an affair because of feelings of disconnect, alienation and despair=living WITH your pain. Aim for talking and connecting about it, not for acting it out. Let's learn to live WITH pain and failure, not LIVE our pain and failure.

T=thank you and I'm sorry.
Very simple. I noticed long ago that, and especially with married people, we are very bad about being able to say these two things to one another. Part of this, I think, is that we come into marriage already preloaded with resentments and other "buttons" that we subconsciously transfer over to our spouses so that we're already less emotionally generous with them (i.e. less unconditional positive regard) than we would be even with a perfect stranger. Work on reversing this. The harder it is for you to say "thank you" or "I'm sorry", the more you will grow stronger by forcing yourself to say these two things.

S=stopping.
What many of us are not good at whatsoever. Oh, we know how to GO GO GO!! In our culture we are taught from a very young age to get up, get out there, and perform! It is no wonder why, after so many years of childhood schooling, plus college and graduate school or tradeschool for some, then years working, people have such a hard time adjusting emotionally to being retired. We don't actually know how to be still! Practice this adult skill and learn to feel the pressure within you that says you must keep moving. Our goal with this skill is to overcome the inner pressure (or external pressure from a spouse, activities, lifestyle, etc.), and learn what it feels like to actually experience tranquility and inner peace naturally.

Well, as they say, "Those are them!" Now go out there and practice your REALADULTS skills, and start living like a real adult!

(Next time, I'll tell you about a trick you can use to practice the adult skill of "Stopping".)

A. Ferraioli, M.D.
www.LVACNation.com

You know that feeling you get when you have a person you can tell anything to, knowing that they won't judge you, or try to correct you, or immediately tell you what they would do or would have done?
You tend to trust that person and you also tend to like having them around you.

Well, if we combine those two elements, i.e. trust + likability, we get what I call Emotional Credibility.

When a person Listens and Validates our feelings, and maybe Asks an open-ended question or two, (see my "LVAC Stance" post from yesterday), we naturally begin to trust them more and they become a valuable resource for us. We also like having them around. This is especially true if we are talking about how a child might feel about a parent, or the way one spouse might feel about the other.

When you walk into a room, do your spouse and children seem to like having you around? Or do they find reasons to skeddadle away from you?
When they think of you, are their first thoughts, "oh, no" or "bummer" or "negative, miserable person", or do they think, "Hey!" or "optimism" or "I feel good with you"?
Do you give off the impression that you know how to live life? Or do you come across as always the victim or malcontent or that life's always too much for you?

If we want to build our Emotional Credibility with the people in our lives, we need to act like emotionally mature adults.
This means being less impulsive or compulsive, less self-centered, less childlike and unable to delay gratification, less negative or miserable, and more competent and in command of ourselves.

If you do a nice thing for your spouse but then become upset while doing it or at the lack of an immediate acknowledegement of appreciation, you will have a NET LOSS of Emotional Credibility Points ("E.C. Points".)
If you fail to show up at an important event or apppointment with your spouse or to offer your support and follow up, you will have a NET LOSS of E.C. Points.
If you take charge and appear committed and interested in your spouse, your children, or your household chores, you will GAIN E.C. Points.
If you seek to improve your spotaneity, zest for and mastery of your life, creativity and energy for family events or friendships, you will GAIN E.C. Points.

Using LVAC is one way to improve your Emotional Credibility.  There are nine other adult skills you will need to work on and try to master in order to grow into your own best emotionally competent adult and to break your own E.C. Points record!

(Next time I'll share with you my "REALADULTS" mnemonic which contains all ten of my adult skills for you to learn, practice, and master!)

A. Ferraioli, M.D.
www.LVACNation.com

If you already know about "LVAC" from my LVAC Nation! book, or from the Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper book, or this website, then I think you'll enjoy learning about the "LVAC Stance" which goes beyond simply memorizing and using the LVAC mnemonic (where LVAC= Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment.)

We already know that by remembering to use these four simple steps in our daily communications with our children, spouses, and others, we are maximizing our understanding of what they are trying to say AND helping them to maximize self-understanding as well. And we know that by Commenting too soon, before Listening and Validating, we short-circuit both of these processes.

But we should also understand that there is a general Spirit of LVAC; an "LVAC Stance" which basically says:

"Whenever someone is talking to me I'm going to try to relax, sit back, and observe. I'm going to make up my mind to take a position or stance of learning about what others around me are trying to say to me regarding how they are feeling or what they are thinking without interrupting them or waiting impatiently or anxiously for my turn. I'm not going to make it my chief priority to speak.  My main goal is to Listen, not Comment. I will work on feeling centered and at peace with myself so that I can really be present when interacting with others, whether they be my kids, my spouse, or whoever else."

Make it a deliberate practice to approach your world with this stance. It is one of inquiry, of learning, and of truly connecting with others. When you go through life constantly communicating your anxiety agendas by interrupting, one-upping, or otherwise Commenting right away with either words or behaviors, you lose the connection, as well as, eventually, the trust. Do this often enough with your children or spouse and you will lose Emotional Credibility.

(Next time I'll talk about the idea of "Emotional Credibility". Hint: Emotional Credibility=trust + likability)

A. Ferraioli, M.D.
www.LVACNation.com