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Here's a little treat for you about a fictional
father who discovers the fundamental essence of good parenting. It is very much in the Spirit of LVAC! "The Father" by A. Ferraioli, M.D. Part I. The Siblings Once,
there were four siblings who seemed the happiest people in the world, or so they felt at least, for they were truly blessed
in every way imaginable. Their lives were full of joy, endless satisfaction, and personal success which
included their work lives, extremely happy marriages, and absolutely wonderful children. They each had
more than enough money to live on, and then some, and they each had a strong sense of inner peace and calm. In
their everyday dealings, they felt fulfilled and connected with others, and even when they were in conflict with other people
they came away feeling hopeful and optimistic. In addition to their personal successes, each of them also
gave freely of themselves to their communities through volunteering and donating both their time and money, as well as their
areas of professional talents and expertise. Part II. The Friend One
day a man named Onslow, who was a close friend of one of the siblings, decided to learn more about their family after he met
the other three at a dinner party event. The reason that he wanted to learn more about this incredible
brood was because he wanted to learn the secret to their happiness and the amazing lives they were each leading. What
he found particularly unbelievable was that each of the four siblings seemed as happy and fulfilled in life as the others;
that none of them seemed like the "black sheep" or "the odd one out". He was also quite impressed by the
seeming lack of competition or one-upmanship among them, and by how they seemed to feel so good around one another as well
as with their respective spouses and children. After debating with himself about whether and how he should
ask his friend to tell him more about his family, he finally decided to call his friend one day and he said to him, "I'm
not sure how to ask you this, but I really admire you and your siblings and I would like to learn more about your incredible
family." His friend was pleasantly surprised, for he really never thought about his family as particularly
special, and he told him he'd be happy to tell him anything he wanted to know. Part III.
The Talk Onslow was invited to his friend's house that weekend and spent some time talking with
him. One of the things Onslow liked best about his friend was how he could carry on conversations that
made him feel connected and like he was special and important. Afterwards, he always felt like something significant and authentic
had happened. He noted how his friend truly listened to him when he spoke; that he never cut him off or
finished his sentences for him, and that he always seemed to keep the focus on Onslow and what he was saying, rather than
turning the tables and making the subject of the conversation about himself. In fact, whenever Onslow spoke
with his friend he came away feeling good about himself and somehow more at peace and settled in the world. Today,
his friend shared with him something he never knew about him; something he found surprising. He told him
that his mother had died shortly after the birth of the youngest of the four siblings, and that they were, from that point
onwards, raised by their father, who never remarried, along with some help, especially in the beginning, from their
grandparents and an aunt. He also explained that his father was a very strong individual and that the four children uniformly
loved him, looked up to him with great respect and admiration, and trusted his good counsel. He went on
to tell him that, for each of the four siblings, their father had always been a steady reference point for how to live life
and that he always, to this day, gave them a feeling of satisfaction and confidence in themselves and each other whenever
they spoke with him. Towards the end of the conversation his friend asked Onslow if he'd like to meet his
father sometime soon. Onslow was excited and so happy to be asked that he said "yes!" without any hesitation whatsoever. Part IV. The Journey Three weeks later, Onslow's friend came by his
house to pick him up. He brought some coffee for him, which he knew he enjoyed, as well as a few biscuits,
in case he was hungry during the long drive ahead. Onlsow said goodbye to his wife and three children, and went along with
his friend to meet his friend's father. They traveled for two and a half hours, through the mountains and
past several patches of forest and over a frozen river (it was winter.) Finally, they came upon a smallish
house surrounded by some lovely, but not overly done landscaping and they were greeted by a yellow labrador whom his friend
called "Silence". Part V. The Father Once at the
door, they were greeted heartily by the friend's father, who smiled and hugged his son before he was introduced to Onslow
by the same. "How are you Dad? This is my friend Onslow, the one who wanted to meet you." Onslow noticed that the man was probably in his mid-seventies, had a limp, and that he struggled somewhat to
breathe. "Hello sir,", he said, "it is such a pleasure to finally meet you. I wanted to meet the man who was
behind four such amazing people and their respective families." "Welcome Onslow, it's good to
meet you too", said the father smiling, "come sit...", and then he stopped. Onslow noted that the man was visibly
winded by saying those few words, and just as he noticed that, the father added, "And son, to answer your question, I
am well, thank you." With that the father led them to his study and, after he offered them some refreshments,
the three men sat down to talk. It turned out that the physical and verbal limitations which Onslow had
noticed were not those of old age. His friend told him, with nods of agreement from the father, that these were limitations
that the father had had all throughout his life. Though perhaps they were a bit more pronounced these days, it wasn't by that
much. His physical challenges had made life more difficult for the father than for some others, especially
with four children and even more so after the death of his wife. At first, he was afraid for his children;
afraid that he would not be able to give them all of the things that other children got, especially those with both parents
and a father who was healthy and strong. He also feared that he himself might not live to a ripe old age, given his lifelong
physical frailty, and that they would therefore need an excellent start in order to survive in the world without him someday.
He found that, because of his limitations, he needed to quickly develop a method and philosophy of communicating and interacting
with his children which was optimized for quality, not quantity. Finally, he decided, that, in order
to succeed, he needed to truly and deeply connect with them; to give them what he imagined to be the essence and distillate
of what children need from their parents. He eventually came up with what he felt was the best he could give to them. Part VI. The Technique What Onslow learned next, he found quite profound,
as the father, slowly and deliberately, told him his method, which was the following: What
the father decided to do first was to Listen carefully to the children. He was banking on his conclusion
that listening far out-ranked any other possible thing he might do at any given moment with his children, since they ultimately
knew more about what they felt and what they wanted or didn't want than he could know. To help remind himself to do this he
would literally change his body position when the children spoke with him by squaring himself off with them and looking at
them in the face as they spoke. In fact, he tried never to avert his gaze from them if they were still talking to him. Next, if he was in the middle of something, he Stopped for a moment and Focused on them. Here he reasoned that, if he were to die tomorrow, or even later that same day, he would rest in the solace that
he was fully present and attentive to his children in the moments he had with them. If he was frustrated or overwhelmed by
his own life, he still Stopped and Focused on them for a few minutes. If he was in a rush, no matter how late he was or how
chaotic the situation, he always tried his best to Stop and Focus. Furthermore, he decided
that being defensive with them or that making too many superfluous comments or statements at them would take more wind and
energy than he had, and would require him to defend those positions, so he didn't do those things. He
figured that the world and the people and circumstances in it would give his children enough to struggle against or to try
to reconcile or make sense of; that he would not add to this burden by presenting himself as another such obstacle in their
lives. Instead, he would become their major ally in life; their go-to-guy. He wanted them to have absolutely no hesitation
at all in entrusting him with their most complex or difficult problems or conflicts in life. In order to do this, they would
have to see him not as an obstacle to overcome, or to win over or convince in order to be understood, but, instead, as an
automatic, unconditional, and ready ally. Finally, he decided to always try to find the truth
in what they were saying, no matter how difficult he found it to hear whatever they were saying to him at the time. If they criticized him, he tried to find the truth in it. If they were disappointed or angry
with him, he tried to find the truth in it. If they were afraid, he didn't try to convince them to be unafraid. If they were angry, he didn't try to tell them them were wrong to be angry. If they were sad,
he didn't try to compare their sadness to the tragedies of others. Instead, when they brought these things
to him he considered it an honor and privilege that they would present him with such delicate, sometimes very strong, feelings
and opinions. In fact, he considered it a measure of their trust in him when they did so, and he worked hard to preserve this
trust by giving them the benefit of the doubt in his search for the truth in what they were saying to him. And
that's it! What he noticed was that, with these simple principles, parenting his four children required
much less energy and wind from him than he had anticipated and feared. He found that, despite his physical limitations, he
was able to give them the highest quality parenting possible. He also noticed that, with time, his children
were becoming quite responsive to him and to each other, as well as to their friends and to other adults like their schoolteachers.
In fact, he would often receive comments from their teachers about how "focused" and "attentive" they
were, as well as how eager they were to explore and learn, and how well they were doing both academically and socially. They
also displayed a good deal of compassion for others as well as for animals and the environment around them. He was also particularly
proud of how courageous they all were and how they never seemed to hesitate to stand up and say or do what they felt was the
right thing to say or do, even if it sometimes meant restraining themselves from saying or doing anything at all. In
sum, he was quite proud of his children and he loved them with all his heart; and he ultimately felt that they had turned
out very well, very well indeed. At the end of their visit, Onslow thanked the father, gave him a hug,
and he and his friend returned to their homes. Before they left, his friend also confirmed plans with his father to return
to pick him up the following weekend for an extended visit at his house. The Moral of the
Story The father's decision to Stop, Focus, Listen, and Find Their Truth, had given his children
the essence and the best of what all children need. He had given them the equivalent of sunshine and water to baby seedlings.
He had helped them grow tall and strong and they loved him with all their hearts until the day he died and ever after. And, in the end, what the father managed to figure out and give them out of necessity and deep love, they then
gave naturally and with ease to their children after them. If he could do it, so can you! Some More On LVACTM: LVAC
Is Not Being Responsible For "Fixing" Or "Teaching" People During A Conflict: When you are upset with someone, let’s say because
they’ve said or done something hurtful to you in some way, shape, or form, where does this leave you? When we are in the midst of a conflict with another person, one of
the traps that I’ve noticed is that we feel the need to "fix" them or "teach" them something rather
than simply setting an appropriate boundary with them and moving on. We seem to either want to fundamentally
change the person so that they’ll never do that again, or we want to teach them exactly how they’ve hurt us, why
we don’t like being treated like that, what or who their behavior reminds us of, why they shouldn’t treat us or
anybody else that way, what happened to us in the past when we were treated like this, how they should never dare to even
think about treating us that way ever again, etc. Whew!
That in itself is quite some anxiety agenda we’ve got there. The
problem is that this agenda is what keeps us stuck in the conflict and unable to negotiate it for ourselves in some way or
another, preferably in a true, emotionally competent adult manner. How
many "conflictual" relationships remain this way because one or both parties are stuck with this unwieldy and unmanageable
agenda; ie. the need to "fix" the other person or "teach" them something rather than simply setting an
appropriate adult boundary? For example, let’s say
a coworker has taken to Commenting left and right in your presence, to the point of virtually "bleeding" his every
unprocessed emotion onto you. However, you’re stuck
because this habit of his makes you so angry and resentful that you take on the agenda of wanting to really "fix"
him or "teach" him something about himself, you, the situation, the workplace, the effects of his behavior on morale,
etc. Now, as previous generations might have said to
all of this "fixing" and "teaching", "What’s that got to do with the price of corn?" In other words, why not just get on with letting him know that you’d
prefer if he would keep some of his running commentary and other nervous behaviors to himself? And stop there. Don’t
go on to defend what you are saying (teaching him), or help him to deal with your feedback (fixing him), or apologize for
the boundary you’ve set (teaching plus guilt/worry), or try to convince him the error of his ways (fixing), etc. In this example, and in the Spirit of LVAC, we are not responsible for "fixing"
or "teaching" people who are breaking boundaries with us by their constant Comments, which, by now you know to mean
the imposition, by either word or action, of their own agenda, control, anxiety, etc., upon us. The need to "fix" and "teach" in these cases is not consistent with the Spirit
of LVAC which tells us to not spread our anxiety, agenda, conflicts to others either. By trying to "fix" or "teach" rather than simply addressing the issue at
hand, we are doing/saying too much; we ourselves are stuck Commenting by acting out on our anxieties instead of only giving
back what is necessary. All that is needed to remain consistent
with the elegant and economical Spirit of LVAC, is the application of an "equal but opposite" force in the conflict,
nothing more, nothing less. Doing more than this, or
less than this would constitute acting out, or, in other words, a Comment by either word (saying too much), or action (by
avoiding or saying too little or nothing at all.) Though
I hate the phrase, "the bottom line" is that true, emotionally competent adults use LVAC to do most of the emotional
processing before they Comment, so that their words or actions are more "emotionally accurate" and "economical"
when they do finally come. They don’t put emotional
messes out there for others to have to deal with and absorb. And these emotional messes are called Comments, in either action
or word, as I’ve described them in this book. Taken
from LVAC Nation!, by Anthony Ferraioli, M.D. Copyright©2009Anthony Ferraioli, M.D. (Note: No part of the above may be reproduced in any way without the written
consent of Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.)- .
And... From The Original LVAC Chapter In Cobwebs And Ugly Wallpaper: I made up this mnemonic for my patients as an aide in remembering
how to interact with others, especially if you have children or a spouse, but really with just about anyone. I believe it is quite powerful, and it has far-reaching implications,
as I’ll explain later. So here it is:
LVAC— "L" is for Listen, "V" is for Validate, "A" is for Ask, and "C" is for
Comment. It is important that you do these
things in the order of the mnemonic. For example, if you are speaking with your significant other, you would first Listen
to what they are trying to tell you, then you would Validate them by making an empathetic comment or sound
to let them know you have heard them and are thinking about what they are saying. If you’ve done these two things, the third is usually less necessary, but by all means
Ask questions to clarify and further show your interest in what the other person is saying. Then, and ONLY
then, should you Comment on what they are saying to you. The problem is that most people do LVAC in reverse! If you begin to observe yourself when speaking with others, whether in person or by phone, you
will no doubt begin to notice that you too do the LVAC mnemonic in reverse. In other words, like most people, you might Comment first, then Ask questions, and, if time allows
or your attention is still focused, maybe you might make an empathetic comment or two, but many people leave this out entirely. The result of the "backwards LVAC" is leaving the
other person feeling that you really were not placing them first when they needed you for a few moments. For children, the "backwards LVAC" is even worse,
as it is only by using the LVAC technique in the proper order that we allow our children the major childhood opportunity to
define themselves emotionally (more on this later.) By
simply following the LVAC mnemonic we discipline ourselves to give the other person the first priority, attention, and focus,
for just a few minutes. With children this can be especially powerful and rewarding, as they learn to come first to you with
their deepest, most troubling concerns or emotional conflicts because they feel nurtured with LVAC. I’ve had many patients whose teenage children began to withhold information
from them, getting secretive about matters of secret "crushes"; or, potentially more harmful, about alcohol, drugs,
or sex. For these families, the LVAC mnemonic
helps create an environment where the child finds themselves with a ready, non-self-centered, and "emotionally competent"
parent to go to as a first resource with problems, rather than having to hide things or numb themselves with drugs or other
temporary fixes, including cutting, for emotional pain relief. As mentioned a minute ago, another key point about LVAC is that, by doing it with our children, we allow them to define themselves emotionally.What does this mean? Well, if you’re dealing with a child and you do the steps
to LVAC (Listen, Validate, Ask, and Comment), even without realizing it you have just helped that child not only deal with
the current situation, but you’ve also helped guide them to the more long-term goal of understanding themselves better
and more fully. I truly believe that no
approach to our children is more powerful and more fulfilling, none. And, what’s more, you don’t have to immediately come up with the answer for them! You "simply"
LVAC your way through the situation with them, and the process itself often makes the situation better, or at least bearable,
for them. It works, trust me. Think about it: if you, like most people, do the LVAC backwards
(ie., Comment first), you have now passed on your own "opinion", "conclusion", or "anxiety"
(ie. your "comment") onto the child. Yes
folks, this is how we pass down our own neurotic conflicts and anxieties to our kids; generation after generation after generation,
etc…because we tend to comment first, instead of Listening, Validating, Asking clarifying questions, and then Commenting
if necessary. To stop this cycle and to give
your children the maximum in personal power and inner peace in adulthood, it’s simple: LVAC! Taken from Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper, by Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.
Copyright©2007Anthony Ferraioli, M.D. (Note:
No part of the above may be reproduced in any way without the written consent of Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.)- LVAC Nation!: Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment Cobwebs And Ugly Wallpaper- Second Edition: A Collection Of Short Essays About
Your Life
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