The Better Parent: Good vs. Great Parenting
(Published in Parent Pages Magazine, April 2010)
Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.
Good parents know how to communicate with their child. They know how to make eye
contact and focus on what the child is saying. They know how to give the child their undivided attention and listen closely.
They know how to ask questions—but wait, do they?
Do they know how to
ask questions? Do they really do this?
We all know we should to do this. But how many of us can actually keep our agenda
and our anxieties (however well based
and well intended) away from our children?
Here’s an example of how our anxiety about our child being treated kindly
and fairly can go wrong. Your 6-year-old
son comes to you after his playdate and says, “Eddie took my truck today and wouldn’t give it back.” A good parent listens and immediately comments,
“Oh, no, that’s not right, he shouldn’t do that to you.”
We comment because we feel the injustice for our child. Our anxiety about someone
being mean to our child comes out and we try to make it better by commenting. By immediately commenting we don’t leave
much room for our child to speak, or to create a dialogue.
A great parent would handle it differently. The great parent listens
to the child and withholds their comment. Instead they validate the child by saying, “I’m sorry he did that to
you.” And then they ask questions, “How did that make you feel?” “What did you do when he did that?”
“What do you think you could say if that happens again?”
After a little give and take of asking and answering questions
the great parent
can then comment. The comment now will
probably be more along the lines of a suggestion in how to stick up for themselves in the future, maybe along with some role playing.
This method of communicating is called LVACTM. It stands for Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment. First
you Listen to the other person, then Validate (empathize or acknowledge) what they have said, then Ask
questions and finally Comment last, if at all. The spirit of LVAC
is talking less and listening more. It is (momentarily)
following the other person’s agenda to learn where they are coming from.
A good parent knows how to listen but most of us go directly to comment, probably because that’s what our parents
did with us and that’s what we learned to do from them. Immediately commenting can be detrimental to the relationship
over time because we invariably enforce our agenda or anxieties on our child and this can breed resentment.
Eventually it will reduce your emotional credibility with
your child. They will not listen to you and can start behaving as though you don’t exist. (Think of how you would feel
if your significant other always cut you off by making comments instead of asking questions.)
Does
your child say things like, “You don’t listen to me!” Maybe you’re not listening, or morelikely you are not showing that you are listening.
When we comment immediately we don’t acknowledge what the other person is saying. All they hear is what our agenda is.
We have to acknowledge their agenda, even if it’s going to make them late for the school bus.
We’ve all been in this situation. We wake up late and
everyone is in a hurry to get dressed, eat breakfast,
pack lunches, load backpacks and walk out to the bus stop on time.
And your 8-year-old daughter screams, “Where is my Tuesday underwear? It’s Tuesday and I can’t
find my Tuesday underwear!” That is not what you need on a morning like this and most good parents would scream back,
“It doesn’t matter, just put on any pair of underwear!”
Well, that is commenting at it’s best.
It’s not important to you because your agenda is getting everyone out the door. And when your daughter arrives home from school later she will tell you
that you don’t listen to her.
A great
parent would take a minute or two to validate (acknowledge)
that finding her Tuesday underwear is
important to her, by saying something like, “You’re right it is Tuesday, and I understand that for the past few weeks you’ve been able to wear you special
underwear on each day of the week. I’m sorry I don’t know where it is, Can you wear another pair for today?”
At least by engaging her and telling her that you know it’s
important to her, she can feel like you are listening to her. This is not imparting your agenda onto her.
Good
parents want their children to grow up more self-assured, more peaceful and more emotionally connected to them as parents.
Great parents help their children do that by using this LVAC technique.
Here’s another situation that’s pretty common. Your young son is trying to pour his own cup of milk at the dinner table and has a track record of not doing
this very neatly. A good parent may gently
offer to do it for him and take the carton out of his hands. But the great
parent would let the child continue on his own because
the great parent
knows it is not wise to impart their anxiety of cleaning up the inevitable mess on the child.
A great
parent knows that it is important to encourage their child
to be independent.
A great parent is aware of the subtle, but powerful effects they can have on their
children by imparting their own anxiety
on them, through word or action.
Comments change things. They impose our reactions onto the interaction and end up influencingwhat the other person may say or do next.
Comments literally influence emotional development in children
in a detrimental way.
Picture a pottery wheel. Round and round it goes and wherever you apply pressure, there you will form a groove in
the piece you are making.
Commenting
applies pressure and creates a groove.
Our goal as great
parents is not to create grooves. We need to listen and
connect with our children in a focused, calm, non-impulse or non-anxiety ridden way.
(The End)
(Bio) The author of LVAC Nation!© Anthony Ferraioli, M.D. is a graduate of Princeton University and Albany Medical
College. He has spent years teaching his patients how to succeed in life by using techniques he has formulated through his
extensive research. The LVACTM technique has been particularly successful in improving his patients’ relationships with their children.
You can read more at www.LVACNation.com
He also
contributes to “Modern Medicine”, a radio talk show.
The Middle School Transition
Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.
(Published May 2010)
For children
about to head off to middle school (and their parents), there a couple of salient things to keep in mind in order to help
make the transition as smooth and beneficial as possible. As with any other transition in their lives, including the ones yet to come such as high school and college,
it is important to continue to emphasize an approach which maximizes opportunities for them to verbally express themselves
and to be heard and then acknowledged when they do so. This way, by making them feel good about
expressing their feelings, thoughts, conflicts, worries, hopes, etc., to you the parent or to other responsible adults, they
are encouraged to continue to do so in the future.
Now, the hard part: how do we make them feel good about this,
thus reinforcing this habit in them for the future? But
before we answer that, we should look at what happens when we do not do this, in other words, when we Comment immediately
about what it is they are telling us, rather than Listening first, then Validating them, then Asking open-ended questions
about what they are saying. Simply put, they will not get as much of an opportunity to explore with you,
or within themselves, what it is they are really trying to say or work through. This leads to a breakdown
in deep trust and faith in the relationship and your ability to help them handle whatever life throws at them.
They will also
begin to disconnect within themselves as well, replacing self-knowledge with shame, guilt, fear, anger, or confusion,
among other things. Over the years, these disconnects (both interpersonal and intrapersonal) will grow,
leading to the need to act out their unexpressed and unconscious emotions via unhealthy activities and choices including drugs,
alcohol, sex, fighting, lying, cheating, procrastinating or not focusing on their goals, and other inappropriate and destructive
behaviors. See why it's so important to help them express and know consciously what they are feeling and
trying to say to us?
I call the approach described above LVACTM which
stands for Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment.
This approach helps the child maximize his or her ability to learn about what it is he or she is trying to say to us
by minimizing our tendencies to interrupt their train of thought and emotions with our anxiety-ridden Comments.
This is the way we make children feel good about talking to us about their feelings and it reinforces this
habit in them for the future.In the middle
school and high school stages of pre-adolescence and adolescence there is a great need for the LVAC approach in order to promote
self-knowledge and integration of the self so that there are fewer acting out behaviors and less vulnerability to peer pressure. In the end, the pre-teen and teen years
don't have to end up as them against us or them against themselves or the world (rebels without a cause), both of which are
wastes of emotional energy and growth opportunities which can take years to recover from.
Instead, the LVAC approach lets them pour their
valuable energies during these formative years into the development of true self-knowledge and cohesive self-development (i.e.
really knowing what they like, don't like, want, don't want) and allows for opportunities to truly engage themselves both
in their work and in their relationships, helping them ultimately attain astronomically more satisfying, joyful, and less
conflicted lives.
For parents who are interested in learning more, please visit www.LVACNation.com.
